I coded while pregnant.

Yes, that kind of coded.

I was in the hospital with pneumonia, short of breath, scared, and very pregnant. I told the nurses something was wrong—really wrong. They told me to calm down. They tried to hand me a Xanax like my lungs could be reasoned with. They told me I was fine.

I was not fine.

I crashed. And I’m here, by the grace of God, to tell you what too many women already know in their bones: when the system doesn’t listen to you, it can cost you everything. If it can happen to a physician—someone who speaks the language, knows the protocols, understands the risks—it can happen to anyone.

We have a name for this: medical gaslighting. It’s when your symptoms are minimized, dismissed, or attributed to anxiety, stress, weight, or “just getting older,” without a proper workup. And it is not rare, it is not harmless, and it is not your fault.

Let’s talk about what it is, why it hits women so hard, and exactly how to fight back—with your voice, your data, and a plan.

What Is Medical Gaslighting? (And why it’s not “just a misunderstanding”)

Medical gaslighting is a pattern, not a one-off. It shows up as a smile and a shrug—“You’re fine.” It shows up as a prescription pad—“Try this antidepressant.” It shows up as an early exit—“Follow up if it gets worse.” It’s the quiet erosion of your confidence in your own body. You start thinking, Maybe I am dramatic. Maybe I am anxious. Maybe this is normal.

Here’s the truth: symptoms are clues—not character flaws. Good medicine follows clues. Gaslighting discards them.

Clinically, gaslighting often hides behind cognitive shortcuts (anchoring on an early impression), time pressure, bias (conscious or unconscious), and training gaps—especially in areas where women present differently or where research historically relied on male bodies. None of that excuses it. It explains why it’s common. And common means we need a counter-strategy.

The Toll on Women’s Health (The receipts)

If your blood is already boiling, good—you’re awake. Now let’s ground that fire in data:

• Diagnostic delays are longer for women. A large, multi-dataset analysis found women experience significantly longer delays before getting the right diagnosis—even when reporting the same symptoms as men. Delays spanned conditions from autoimmune disease to cardiovascular issues. PMC

• Pain care is biased. New research shows emergency departments are more likely to undertreat women’s pain compared with men, even for similar scenarios. Translation: women are less likely to get adequate analgesia—because bias still walks in with the stethoscope. PNAS

• Cardiovascular disease? Women pay a steeper price for missed diagnoses. Sex disparities persist across diagnosis, treatment, and outcomes; misdiagnoses of heart attack and stroke are more common in women. That’s not “she’s anxious”—that’s life-threatening.

• Pelvic and vulvar pain are chronically dismissed. Many women with persistent vulvar pain see multiple providers—often three or more—before anyone names the problem. Too often, basic exams (like a simple cotton-swab test) aren’t even done prior to specialist referral. PMC+1

• The diagnosis crisis is big enough for a national alarm. The National Academies called diagnostic error a “moral, professional, and public health imperative” to fix because it harms patients by delaying appropriate treatment or causing unnecessary harms. That’s not a blog hot take—that’s a consensus warning. National Academies Press+1

And because someone will ask about “the big number”: A widely cited analysis in BMJ estimated medical error may be the third leading cause of death in the United States. It’s debated (critics argue about methodology), but even the debate points to the same conclusion—preventable harm is far too common and not consistently captured in official stats. BMJPubMedCDC

Bottom line: you aren’t “too sensitive.” You’re seeing a pattern that’s been measured.

Why It Happens More to Women (and what no one taught your doctor)

For decades, medicine was built on male-centric data. Women were excluded from many trials; sex and gender differences were optional footnotes at best. That legacy still shows up in:

• Symptom stereotypes. Women present differently in several conditions (hello, heart attacks with shortness of breath, nausea, fatigue). If the mental picture is a 60-year-old man clutching his chest, a 45-year-old woman may be told to take antacids. That costs precious time.

• Pain bias. The old (false) trope that women are “more emotional” or “exaggerate” pain persists. The data says the opposite: women often live with more severe pain and greater functional impairment, yet receive less adequate treatment. PMCPNAS

• Training gaps. We don’t need to demonize clinicians to admit truth: most haven’t been thoroughly trained on sex-specific presentations or complex, overlapping syndromes common in midlife women (hormonal shifts, autoimmune tendencies, metabolic changes). The National Academies again: diagnostic excellence is a system problem, which means the system must change. National Academies Press

So no—you’re not imagining the eye roll, the quick “anxiety” label, or the reflexive “It’s your weight.” You’re running into entrenched habits in a strained system. And that’s exactly why self-advocacy is not rude; it’s required.

Red Flags You’re Being Gaslit

Consider these your dashboard lights:

1. “Your labs are normal.” Full stop. No curiosity, no differential, no plan B.

2. Everything is “stress.” No evaluation to rule out organic causes.

3. No exam, no tests, no referrals. You talk; they click; you leave.

4. “It’s just your age/weight/menopause.” Catch-all labels are lazy medicine.

5. You feel worse, but the note says “patient is stable.” Words on paper don’t match the person in front of them.

6. You’re offered a psych med as the first and only solution. Mental health matters—but so does ruling out physical disease.

If you see two or more of these, it’s time to shift from polite passenger to pilot.

How to Advocate for Yourself (the playbook)

I want you to treat your health like a high-stakes project—because it is. Here’s the plan I teach my patients and my readers:

1) Bring receipts.
Keep a symptom log: when it started, what worsens it, what relieves it, how it impacts your life (sleep, work, relationships). Patterns jump off the page—and they compel action.

2) Pre-write your questions.
Use power questions that force a differential diagnosis:

• “What are the top three things this could be?”

• “What’s the worst-case we need to rule out?”

• “What tests would clarify this, and what happens if we don’t do them?”

3) Name the elephant (kindly).
If you feel dismissed, try: “I may not be explaining this well, but I’m significantly impaired. I need help finding the cause, not just managing the frustration.” You’re not attacking—you’re recalibrating the conversation.

4) Invite partnership—or pivot.
Say: “I’d love to work with you as a team. If this isn’t your area, who would you trust with this?” A good clinician will either step up or refer out. Both are wins.

5) Use your portal power.
Read your notes. Check your labs. Look for discrepancies. If your note says “no distress” while you were tearful and short of breath, request an addendum that reflects reality. Documentation drives care.

6) Bring a witness.
A spouse, friend, or adult child changes the dynamic. Think of them as your second set of ears and your advocate if you freeze.

7) Get the second opinion.
You are not cheating. You are shopping for the best partner for your health. The National Academies reminds us the system must improve; until it does, you are allowed to upgrade your team. National Academies Press

8) When it’s hormones, don’t accept hand-waving.
Perimenopause and menopause can mimic thyroid disease, depression, anxiety, even cardiac symptoms. You deserve thoughtful testing and targeted treatment—not a pat on the head. (I’ll show you what that looks like next.)

The Hormone Connection (why “It’s just menopause” is lazy)

When estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone decline, the body doesn’t send a polite memo—it sends chaos. Hot flashes, night sweats, insomnia, brain fog, anxiety, low mood, palpitations, joint pain, dry skin, low libido… you know the list. Those changes aren’t “in your head.” They’re in your receptors—in the heart, brain, skin, muscles, bones.

Here’s where women get gaslit the hardest: symptoms overlap with other conditions. The result? Sleep meds instead of sleep restoration. Antidepressants when you need hormone balance. “Normal” thyroid labs with no discussion of the bigger endocrine picture.

In my clinic, we approach this differently:

• We listen first. Your story guides which labs matter.

• We test strategically (yes, that can include saliva or blood depending on context) and pair data with symptoms—because numbers are signposts, not a diagnosis.

• We fix the terrain: nutrition, protein, strength training, real sleep, stress skills.

• When appropriate, we use bioidentical hormone therapy (BHRT) to restore what’s missing—measured, personalized, and monitored.

You’re not broken. Your biology is talking. We translate, and we treat.

What I Wish Every Woman Knew (the pep talk)

1. Your body is not lying to you. If your gut says something is off, it’s off—until proven otherwise.

2. You are the CEO of your health. You hire and fire the team. You set the agenda. You approve the plan.

3. You can be kind and uncompromising at the same time. “Please” and “no” belong in the same sentence.

4. Data is power. Symptoms tracked, questions ready, labs reviewed, notes corrected—that’s how you turn emotion into evidence.

But What About “Anxiety”?

Two things can be true:

• Anxiety is real and deserves compassionate, evidence-based care.

• Slapping an “anxiety” label on undiagnosed chest pain, breathlessness, severe fatigue, new neurological changes, or escalating pelvic pain is dangerous.

When someone suggests anxiety, ask: “What medical causes have we ruled out? What’s our plan to make sure we aren’t missing something serious?” This reframes the conversation from dismissal to due diligence.

A Word on “Iatrogenic” Harm

“Iatrogenic” means harm caused by medical care. Measuring it precisely is hard because death certificates don’t have a neat checkbox for “medical error.” One high-profile estimate in BMJ suggested medical error may be the third leading cause of death in the U.S. The methodology has critics, and the CDC’s official top causes still list heart disease and cancer at the top,

Ready to Take Control of Your Hormones?

At Hormone Bliss, we believe every woman deserves to be heard, tested, and treated with compassion and evidence-based care. No more guessing games. No more “it’s just your age.” We see you, and we believe you.

Step 1: Start with the Hormone Trio Test Kit
This simple at-home saliva test measures your estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone — the three power players that influence everything from mood and metabolism to sleep and sex drive. → Order Your Hormone Trio Test Kit

Step 2: Get Your Personalized BHRT Plan
Once your results are in, we create a customized bioidentical hormone therapy plan designed for your body, your goals, and your lifestyle — with safe, plant-based creams compounded just for you.

Step 3: Join the Hormone Bliss Program
Ready for ongoing support, advanced education, and direct access to our team? The Hormone Bliss Program includes coaching, progress tracking, supplement discounts, and a community of women just like you.

You don’t have to accept feeling “off” as your new normal. Let’s get you balanced, energized, and unapologetically YOU again.

Virtual hugs,
Dr. Tammy